The Birds and the Bees, Updated: Talking to Kids About Sex

There are lots of places kids and teens can learn about sexuality—TV, music, the internet—but hearing about it from you is the most important source of all. The biggest influence in teenagers’ decisions about sex is not their friends or the media, but their parents.

You may think your pediatrician has this topic covered, but that’s unlikely to be the case. One in three adolescents don’t get any information about sex from their doctor, and when they do, the conversation lasts less than 40 seconds. This makes a parent’s role all the more important.

What to Discuss

• Sexuality encompasses a wide array of topics beyond just sex. Here are some subjects you’ll want to cover over time:

• Sexual anatomy

• Sexual orientation

• How to have healthy romantic relationships

• Sexual reproduction

• Abstinence, contraception, and protection from sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

• Consent and peer pressure

This shouldn’t be the old-fashioned one-time chat about the “birds and the bees.” Conversations about sexuality ideally occur throughout life, starting when kids are little. You can teach younger children the correct terms for genitalia (instead of cutesy nicknames) and discuss gender identity. As kids get older and understand more, topics like puberty and preventing pregnancy and STIs can be discussed.

Creating a Dialogue

You might not always know what to say and when to say it, and that’s OK. If you make it clear that you’re open to talking about the topic and respect what they have to say, your kids will feel comfortable approaching you when they’re wondering about something. When you get a question, start by validating it, then ask where it’s coming from. Having context will help you give an appropriate response.

Next, ask what they think the answer is. This will tell you how much they already know and where you can fill in the gaps. Then do your best to answer the question clearly and accurately. If you don’t know the answer, be straightforward—you could say, “I’m not sure. Let’s look that up together.”

Making a Difference

If you’re worried that talking with your kids about sex will give them the green light to be more sexually active, research shows it doesn’t work that way. In fact, children whose parents have talked to them about sex are more likely to delay having sex. They are also more likely to use condoms and contraceptives when they do decide to have sex. Education about sexuality is proven to lessen the risk for pregnancy, HIV, and STIs. Knowledge is power—the more kids have, the better decisions they can make.